We, of the Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site, do hereby declare war on any and all candy whose consumption serves only to create misery and suffering amongst the upstanding citizenry of the world. Furthermore, we state our belief that bad candy is the impetus of all wrongdoing, being the shapeless force that drives drug addiction, prostitution, and communism. We also declare that we might be entirely full of shit. And lastly, we apologize to our mothers, who may have just read the swear word in the previous sentence and are weeping ever so softly at our filthy sailor mouths, even as I quickly bring this paragraph to an abrupt and embarrassing close.
Since 1997, the Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site has been dedicated to the eradication of unscrupulous treats. We search the dusty bottom shelves of convenience stores and supermarkets to bring you the candy coverage that you deserve! So that you don’t have to! And because you probably wouldn’t want to. Why do we do this? Because, quite frankly, the chicks love it. And just as an aside, everything we do is dedicated to all of the fine, nubile 18-19 year old ladies who read this site, and especially to their breasts. Seriously ladies, we’d love to hear from you and any of your hot-but-legally-aged friends. And if you’re not a fine, nubile young lady but want to get in touch with us anyway, please don’t bother.
But we also do it because, as upstanding citizens of the world, we feel it is our right and our duty to level the dusty, cracked roads of cultural variety and in their place steamroll a slick, corporate-sponsored four-lane super-highway for the worldwide advancement of bland American foodstuffs. Those who stand in our way shall relinquish before our onslaught of $.39 McHamburgers and Processed Sugar-Foods! They will bow before our mighty handfuls of High Fructose Corn Syrup! They will buckle beneath a torrent of Coca-Cola and Galvanized Sparkling Mineral Water! And should anyone further resist our onslaught, Ben will pick me up and throw me at them, because even though I only weigh 93 lbs. I’m tenacious and mean, like a rabid ferret. Well, a lonely and pale rabid ferret who cries a lot, anyway.
Welcome to the Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site. Good luck, and don’t say we didn’t warn you.
You may be asking yourself who we are to be making such bold, culturally ignorant statements about food. Why, we’re Mark and Ben, also known as the Isaac Hayes of the Internet™! Except neither of us is black or a Scientologist. And we’ve yet to be referred to as the Moses of Soul, though there’s still hope for that, thanks to the impromptu minstrel shows Ben puts on outside the public library every Wednesday, much to the dismay of parents and children alike.
Profile: Mark assists in developing and implementing effective sales and marketing strategies for businesses through targeted, managed, strategic marketing campaigns by leveraging paradigms against product offerings and increased brand awareness. By providing “top-down” solutions against vertically integrated market shares, Mark wields supreme power over the pathetic yes-man proletariats who cower below him, meting out calculated punishment from his ring-encrusted fingers like a deity on high.
Likes: Hot women and cold beer!
Dislikes: Cold women and hot beer?
Admits: To having stolen his Likes: from a sign outside a topless bar; to being an idiot.
Random Favorites: Seanbaby, Old Man Murray, Natalie Dee’s Diaryland, Pitchfork, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency , Beer Frame (zine), Infiltration (zine)
Profile: There has been lots of talk about what we’ve been up to. Most of it true, some of it blown out of proportion. I suppose that’s what happens when you reach legendary status. Mark and I crashed hard; too much success too young and too fast. I would like to take a moment now and apologize to the rest of the World Wide Web community for taking you down with us… sorry. So what did I do once the checks from Bad-Candy stopped rolling in? Well I sold most of my CD collection for cash at Second Spin. That enabled me to buy pizza and super big gulps for about 3 days. By the fourth day I realized I might have to get a job. A scary proposition when you’re used to the lavish lifestyle afforded by bad-candy.com. Not wanting to fall back into the sleazy underground lifestyle of COSPLAY I got a job writing chain letters for the Nigerian government. After a close call with several government agencies and the threat of extradition, I found Mark’s phone number scrawled on a napkin and gave him a call. The rest is history.
Random Favorites: My Pet Skeleton, Home Star Runner, Zombo.com!, Old Man Murray
It’s true! The one and only Cindy Brady (aka Susan Olsen) professed her love of the Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site on her now defunct Internet radio show on the now defunct web site ComedyWorld.com back in 2000. “Oh, how convinient,” you say, rolling your eyes like the dick you are. “The site is gone, the show is gone, there’s no transcripts to prove it. Pfft.” Look, asshole, it happened! She interviewed me, I was on her radio show (well, I phoned in), and she loves us, alright?! Jesus.
Less important press we’ve received:
Yahoo Life! Internet Magazine: “Where fly-by-night foodstuffs come to be sampled by two sanity-impared freaks bent on their own confectionery-related demise.”
Raygun Magazine: “Bad candy reviews were never so gripping. The authors…pull no punches on the blistering, lunch-ruining commentary.”
The Los Angeles Times: “… a couple of guys who might have a bit too much time on their hands…”
USA Today: “Some activists turn to the Web to battle poverty or disease. This site has its cross hairs trained on Bad Candy.”