Fizzy Milk

Ben has a lot of theories, and most of them make little to no sense. Occasionally, however, something relatively sane and coherent manages to surface among his usual Tourrette's-ridden gibberish. Like the time Ben pointed out that humans are the only mammals on the planet that drink another species' breast milk. When you think about it that way, milk seems kind of creepy, doesn't it? It's really just a mildly viscid, pasty solution that was mechanically pumped out of a gassy bovine's flaccid booby. Remember the stuff you poured on your Cheerios this morning? It came from a cow's tit. That white mustache on Conan O'Brian's face? Cow tit. That tall, cool, frothy glass of milk you drank to wash down your dinner of greasy pork products? Big, brown wrinkly cow tit. Cow tit, cow tit, cow tit. Imagine putting your lips up to that stinky, puckered nipple, sucking and kneading the teat, gulping the sperm-like, nutrient-rich life water in sticky, congealed lumps. Unless you happen to enjoy that sort of thing, it's a pretty disgusting concept. And if you do enjoy that sort of thing, then I guess you won't find this review very disturbing. Save yourself some time and go here.


That's quite a head you've got there!
So we've established that, when you think about it too much, drinking milk is sorta weird. But we're The Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site, and we like to take things a step further than most. Ben and I began to wonder what we could do to turn milk into a disgusting, yet reviewable snack. And as usual, we found the answer at our local bargain mart. It called to us from the across the aisles of plastic, disposable trinkets, beckoning to us with its siren call. "What if your milk was fizzy?" it asked us. Or more specifically, "What if your milk was fizzy, blue, had a two inch-thick foam head, and tasted like salty fruit?"


Click image to get a slightly better view
Why, you'd have Buzz'n Berry Fizzie Milk! Mmmmm! Salty Fruit Milk! Nectar of the Gods! Actually, it's my belief that the creators of Fizzies: the Instant Sparkling Drink Tablets originally only intended Fizzies to be used in water. Which is still pretty gross... if you're a panty-waisted cake-eating pretty boy. But when some genius in the Fizzies marketing department decided that Fizzies were 'Also Great in Milk,' they moved Fizzies from the realm of "typical bad treat" and hoisted it into the gladiatorial bad candy arena. "Check it out, Mark! This stuff also tastes great in milk!" Ben exclaimed happily. "Isn't that radical?"

And boy, was it ever radical! Check out this totally fresh-alicious packaging, dudes! Excellent to the max! We're talking a sidewalk-surfing, cannonball-diving, backward hat-wearing, extreme-juggling good time, boooyee! Awesome! Bombaholic! As the official Fizzies web site says, "When they're fizzin' in your mouth, it's really a freak-show!" Yeah. Way, um, tubular... to the max... bro... or something. Whatever. Apparently, Fizzies were available years ago, because the packaging also proudly announces that Fizzies are a "SPLASH from the Past." And while we couldn't be more thrilled to witness the return of such a highly lauded treat, this pathetic 80's throwback advertising is painfully embarrassing. Any child duped by this ridiculous excuse for packaging into drinking Fizzie Milk deserves what they get: a bitter mouthful of foamy, salty tit juice. Stupid goddamn kids.


Either a delicious dairy treat or a condom: you decide
Fizzie Milk comes in tablet form, sealed in individually packaged, condom-shaped paper wrappers, with six wrappers to a bag. The tablets are roughly the size of a nickel, and are comprised of densely packed granules of whatever it is this fizzy shit is made from. The tablets appear harmless enough, which we know from experience means that they are merely a well-disguised bad candy. Fizzies are blue (if you get the Buzz'n Berry flavor, anyway) and smell vaguely like their chemically assigned taste, which is, uh, Buzz'n Berry, I guess. And don't even think about asking what a Buzz'n Berry tastes like, smart guy, or I'll knock you on your ass with my meaty lumberjack fists! HIIIIYA! Well, actually, my fists are more akin to sausage-fingered midget hands, but these are trifling details. I'm sure you get my point. Which was... something.


Would YOU put your lips on this?
Unfortunately, we couldn't just stare at the Fizzie Milk tablets forever; we knew we'd eventually have to "eat" them. We were scared and shaken, but this crusade isn't about us... it's about you and your safety. So, bound by honor and duty, we buckled down and did what was required of us: we forced Fizzie Milk on our unsuspecting friend, Sean, while we watched from a safe distance and videotaped him, giggled like little girls. Actually, that's not entirely true, though Ben and I do tend to giggle like little girls. You see, ever since Cindy Brady gave our site the big thumbs up, you proletariats (or, in your filthy, butchered parlance, "regular folk") have been clamoring to participate in our esteemed experiments. And since Sean was a big fan of the Brady Bunch, he was simply salivating at the thought of capturing a small piece of that sweet, sweet Cindy limelight. So however much he says he's taking a bullet for the cause, Sean's really just a fame whore.

But as it turns out, the joke's on him.

See, Sean thinks that he only drank one fizzy tablet's worth of milky suffering, but we felt that was pretty wimpy. You people deserve more. So when Sean was off in the bathroom to prepare for his big debut (read: he took a poop), we snuck three extra Fizzie tablets into his milk. No kidding. That's four tablets. Four whole tablets worth of Fizzy Hell. I mean, you should have seen the three-inch head of foam it put on the milk! Jeepers! And why, exactly, are we such heartless bastards to our friends, you ask? Because Bad Candy testing is like eXtreme sports, baby: we're sky surfing our way into history and street luging our way into your hearts. Quitters go home.
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