We at the Boisterous Legion Against unHealthy treats (B.L.A.H.) have made it our life's mission to wage an unholy war against those who would corrupt the innocence of our children through seemingly benevolent BAD CANDY! Yes, bad candy, that smug, smiling bastard, relegated to the bottom shelf of the convenience store candy isle. It seems obvious now, doesn't it? Who in their right mind would ever suspect bad candy of being the ultimate device in a plot to destroy the universe? Well, WE AREN'T IN OUR RIGHT MINDS, so we thought about it! And we came to the conclusion that bad candy is invading the civilized world, one country at a time, and it will stop at nothing short of complete world domination!
And when we talk about bad candy, we mean BAD CANDY! We aren't talking about a general loathing towards candy like Snickers or Fiddle Faddle. No, this is candy the FDA doesn't know about, and its godless existence angers us greatly, causing our sweaty little fists to shake, our faces to break out in large, red splotches, and our eyes to burn when we swim in the pool for too long (though that last part might be the chlorine). This candy is either smuggled from other countries with less restrictive (non-existent) food control laws by nefarious men in polyester leisure suits, or is manufactured within our borders without the knowledge of the government!
Don't believe us?!? Well, take a gander at some hard, statistical facts:
- Every 5 seconds, someone, somewhere, is probably eating bad candy.
- Every second, a child weeps, sometimes because of bad candy.
- Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich, which is sorta like bad candy.
- We hate bad candy. Do you? Or are you another one of them COMMIE BASTARDS?!?
And so it falls to us. We must fight these makers of death, these weavers of nightmares, and we must fight them tooth and nail, to preserve the spirit of America and all that is good and American! Did we mention America?!? ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!!! And now that you know the truth, you must join us in our ever-vigilant quest to rid the earth and its tenants of atrocious treats! Assimilate into our mighty army of nunchuck-wielding candy warrior monkeys! Unleash your angst on the wicked, genetic-tinkering bad candy makers of the world! Write lots of sentences that end with exclamation marks! FIGHT FOR FREEDOM!