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 It wasn't until I found myself laying face down in the back of the speeding van, gagged and hog-tied, with the cold, black muzzle of an assault rifle sticking in my ear, that I realized that somewhere along the line, something had gone terribly awry. I lifted up my head a couple of inches to see how Ben was doing. He looked bad. Real bad. I could just make out the shape of his bruised and battered body on the opposite side of the van. He wasn't moving. "Bwen..." I tried to whispered through the gag. "Bwen. Awe ou oway?" "Shut up, American dog!" yelled one of the heavyset masked thugs in a thick Russian accent, as he repeatedly brought the heel of his large, steel-toed boot smashing down on my nose. I began screaming and blubbering like a child as blood ran freely down my face and gathered in a pool on the van floor below. If we were going to survive, I was going to have to stay sharp, but I was quickly losing my edge. Things were getting out of control. I had started to black out from the pain, when I suddenly flashed back to my childhood in a small Guamanian village, which is where our story really begins... Actually, that's a pretty long story. Just know this: no matter where you are, or what you are doing, I will always be standing five inches behind you, drooling and leering at your hindquarters like the perverted hunchback that I am. And I think that alone speaks volumes about me. Love,Mark 
It has been brought to my attention that my bio was in dire need of updating. It was. So, after months of much speculation of what was to be told in the new bio, I present you with "Ben at a Glance". A Cliffnotes version if you will, of me, the man, the myth, the legend in his own mind. All rumors can now be laid to rest. Name: Ben Age: Old enough to know better, young enough not to care. Sex: Not nearly enough. Alias:
Favorite drink: Dr. Pepper and water (not together) Turn ons: Girls that dont throw things at me. Moon light walks on the beach. A hot piece of pizza. A big jug of Dr. Pepper. Traveling, here is a picture of a recent bad trip I was on. Turn-off's: Girls that throw things at me. Sand in the shorts. Rude people. Stubbing my little toe. Work. Stats: 32-32-32 Quote Ben is fond of saying: There's things about me that you wouldn't understand. Things that you couldn't understand. Things you.... shouldn't... understand. I'm a loner Dotti... a rebel......... ~ P.W. Herman As you can see, Ben is a truly multifaceted individual. Ben is a man of many faces and many talents. A master of story-telling, not afraid to completely change a story so it has absolutely no semblance to the original story. I could go on and on about Ben, but what more can be said about Ben, that hasn't already been written? So in closing, I would just like to say "HI. I'm Ben, I like cheese."
Yahoo Life! Internet Magazine: "Where fly-by-night foodstuffs come to be sampled by two sanity-impared freaks bent on their own confectionery-related demise" Raygun Magazine: "Bad candy reviews were never so gripping. The authors...pull no punches on the blistering, lunch-ruining commentary." The Los Angeles Times: "... a couple of guys who might have a bit too much time on their hands..." USA Today: "Some activists turn to the Web to battle poverty or disease. This site has its cross hairs trained on Bad Candy." |
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