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Welcome to the mosted hallowed of halls, the great, the wonderous, the ponderous Hall of Stupid Letters (formerly known as the disclaimer). Contained within these marbled corridors are the most base of arguements, the most foul of insults, and the most horrid grammar (worse than mine, even). These are the angry letters people with too much free time on their hands write us. They are the people that make us want to stay in bed forever. So if you're going to write an angry letter, save yourself the time and trouble. Someone else already has. Table of Contents:
Okay. We're laying this out once and for all. I have been the recipient of several rather unsaviory emails having to do with my alledged propensity for targetting the treats of certain cultures. Most go so far as to label me a racist of sorts. These people are STUPID. Nobody ever said that a nation is judged by the quality of it's candy. And that includes us. We happen to be lucky enough to live in California, where many different creeds are represented by a plethora of personalities. This is good; we enjoy variety in all things, especially life. And so when we rip into a candy originating from the place of YOUR ancestry, have the common sense to realize that it is the candy, not you, that we are targeting. For we will stand, UNFLINCHING IN THE FACE OF CRITICISM, so that you, the civilian, may sleep soundly, assured that you and your close ones have been spared the tragedy of a bad candy experience. Liars and infidels be damned. Besides, if you have a difference of opinion, make your own frickin' page. (NAME) Mahyar (Email) *********** (Comments) I originally e-mail you to explain to you exactly what tamarind is. But, after reading your disclaimer, I see that it is futile to try. Dear Mahyar, I'm sorry I never recieved your original email, or I would have replied. See, I cancelled my account with Netcom, and in the month before I activated a new account, much of the email from my page was lost. Your's was probably a part of that group. Let me start by pointing out that you are way too sensitive, bub. While you were busy condemning my reviews as being influenced by my by my "arrogant American standards," you failed to realize that this is exactly what makes the page so funny! I never ONCE claimed to be a man of the world. I'm a sheltered, American white boy living in southern California, and my views are reflected as such. I DO take exception to the fact that you think I'm close-minded. While perhaps I am unable to appreciate a sack of mushy, grainy, chunky, slushy Tamarind, I AM able to appreciate other people's thoughts and feelings, which is why I'm replying to your email. I whole-heartedly endorse and enjoy all forms of artistic expression and views, and hope that you feel the same. My open-mindedness is why I'm able to enjoy a Fredrico Fellini film or a John Woo action flick as much as any American film. It is why I can appreciate so many different forms of music and art. It is why I enjoy reading and talking and learning, so that I may become a more well rounded individual. It is why I have read the Christian bible, even though I don't believe in god. It's why I've had friends that are black, Hispanic, and Asian. I guess my whole point is that you feel you have gleaned way too much information about me through my web site, and that you have taken the entire thing WAY too seriously. I think if you just relax, read the page again, and laugh at the misgivings of a culturally inept white boy, you will feel better. Mark (NAME) Eduardo Canales (email) ***************** (Comments) Really, I never hear anything more ignorant than both of you guys. Did you know that exsist a whole lot more excellent (for you probably worst) candys than you mentioned. The Bombazo, Cajeta, etc. are just few of them. Those candys are so demanded in Mexico that even a five years old boy know and enjoy them (they have a culture and have developed some taste) no like those artificial flavors that all you incultural american have developed. (hamburgers, combos, hotdogs, corndogs, etc.) If you think you know about bad (excelent for many mexicans) you must try Miguelito, Pulparindo, Cucarachas, Gusano, Lucas, Pelon Pelo Rico (sobas), Pulpas Jet, etc. (subject) Home Page Comments You'll notice that there is no reply to this letter. That's because Mr. Eduardo forgot to add the domain name to his email address. Apparently we aren't the only idiots around. (NAME) Gerald D. Richardson (email) ************** (Comments) Ok, that's why nobody likes us. They say that we americans are close-minded, and with your homepage you prove the world right. Of course egyptian or mexican candy taste different, of course it's hot. Hey, have u ever asked what foreigners think of Dr. Pepper or Licorice. If u weren't used to it, you would probably curse the terrible taste they have. So, please instead of being so dramatic, open up your mind and try new things trying to enjoy them, and if you don't have anything nice to say, Keep your mouth shot. (subject) Home Page Comments While my web site may (or may not) prove that most Americans (myself included) are ignorant of various cultural anomalies, your email proves two even more important points: 1) Some people have no sense of humor (the corollary to this being that you are WAY too sensitive). Apparently you failed to read the disclaimer (http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/2066/disclaim.html), which states, in a nutshell, that anyone who takes our page too seriously has some serious self-esteem issues to deal with. I mean, we are talking about the same page, right? The one about CANDY, for chrissake?!? If anyone finds offense in what I freely admit is a cheap, stupid shot at foreign (and domestic; you just haven't given me a chance to post it yet) CANDY, then they can stick it up their ass, because they need to loosen up. So I'm sorry (not really, but I figured you'd miss the sarcasm if I didn't point it out for you) that we've "proved the world right" about Americans in our sorry little attempt to poke fun. But it's just tough cookies, isn't it? It really is a pity that some people have a different opinion than your's, isn't it? But I guess that's the kind of crap you have to deal with in the "land of the free," isn't it? So, getting back to your letter, you want me to keep my "mouth shot [sic]"? TOO BAD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I won't. Besides, I hardly think that my little corner on the WWW will ever garner enough attention to become the stick by which an entire nation is measured. Even I'M not that crazy. As for your claims of us never having traveled, well, I won't go into the fact that Ben is British by birth, and has lived in several countries. Or that we live right next to the Mexican border. Perhaps we aren't the globe-trotting experts you think yourself to be, but I doubt that you can really tell who I am, where I've been, and what I believe by reading my largely fictional, humor-based web site. THAT, to me, is prejudice. Well, I've wasted enough time. I've got better things to do than to further prove myself to an anally fixated person such as yourself. Get a life. From one "Redneck" to another, Adieu, (that's French, though you probably knew that already) P.S. Oh, yes, have a nice day... (NAME) Fausto Lopez (email) ********@home.com (Comments) As a person being born in Mexico and being brougt up eating "Saladitos"(Salty ones) which is what the product called "El Sabroso" is, I feel compelled to be angry at you since your report makes it seem that our popular snack is for the tasteless and uncultured, promoting once again the sense that Mexicans are "alien" to this society. However, I'm not angry as a matter of fact I'm rather humored. First of all, all the candies you review are foreign to the US, which shows your close mindedness about things that you are not familiar with. Second, you go about eating these candies in the wrong manner, in the case of saladitos, only the extreme eat them directly, usually they are inserted in a citrus(lemons, oranges....) allowing the "salty" and "acid" combination to mix in order to produce a fullfilling flavor. Third, people who eat these snacks have been eating them since early childhood so you can't expect to readily like something to which you've never been exposed. And last, most of these "candies" are poor peoples' candies, they are inexpesive. These four point make me believe that you guys are close minded(and of course laughter is the best thing to do when confronted by close mindedness, anything else is a waste of energy) and like to live in your own little shell hoping that nothing ever changes, and if it does, it has to be according to your vision and no one else's since anything not according to your doctrine is of ill repute or even "Evil". Once again, I was amused by your website and I look forward to getting a direct reply form you to my comments......of course if such action falls within your vision. (Rating) It was okay.(Update?) For God's sake, man, do it! Dear Fausto, Fer crissake, don't just feel "compelled to be angry"! Get angry! Let it flow out of your system, channel it's energy, let it fuel your shakras! Jump up and down and scream at your computer monitor! Punch someone near you in the gut! Roar like the man-beast I know you are! You'll feel better, trust me. Oh yeah, by the way, you are an idiot. I feel compelled to tell you this (lot's of compulsion going on, I tell ya) because you failed to understand a very basic fact that I have spelled out several times on the now-infamous Bad Candy site: I AM NOT A RACIST, AND I DON'T HATE MEXICANS! My girlfriend is half-Mexican! I don't half hate her! But since you failed to see it before you emailed me, I'll spell it out for you here: just because I find a candy you like to be disgusting DOES NOT IMPLY THAT YOU ARE AN UNCULTURED IDIOT (even though you are, but that is just a coincidence). An example. My roommate likes Circus Peanuts (the candy). Circus Peanuts are made in America. Circus Peanuts are the pink, foamy work of the devil. They are G R O S S. I do not think my roommate is "tasteless and uncultured," as you put it. If you can follow the logical sequence of those statements (which I doubt), you will find that "Mark doesn't like some Mexican candy" + "I am Mexican and like this candy" DOES NOT EQUAL "Mark hates Mexicans and therefore hates me." GODDAMMIT, WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND HERE?!? So I am sorry that I'm not "extreme" enough to eat Saltidos raw, but they supply 398% of your daily value of salt no matter how you eat them! That's messed up! That's just bad news! I realize all candy is bad for you, but you have to admit, that's pretty crazy! So in the end, you think I'm closed-minded, I think you're closed-minded, and that leaves us... where? Who knows, but at least we see where we both stand. And you can laugh at us all you want. You aren't the first, and you surely won't be the last. But you will always be unoriginal. Love, P.S. Idiot. (NAME) Leslie (email) ********@home.com (Comments) We used to eat Diana Pico, in elementary school, too! That stuff is great. Where are you guys from?? I can see you weren't raised with great mexican candy! Maybe you are racist, all this candy is mexican. Well--leaves more for the rest of us :-) (Rating) Super duper!(Update?) Abraham Lincoln Okay. You caught me. I'm a racist, and I hate all Mexicans. Nice detective work there, bub. - Mark Let me tell you why I don't care about spelling errors anymore. BECAUSE I DON'T!!! SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!!! If, someday in the near future, I decide to go through my page and fix the spelling errors which I ALREADY KNOW ARE THERE, I will. Until that day comes, I don't need to hear about it. Or you could go ahead and send us a letter like these jerks. See what kind of response you get! (NAME) N. Webster (email) ************** (Comments) You guys have rather a fine page here! Not only is it amusing, for a few minutes, but it performs a useful and necessary public service. Thanks for that, anyway. (subject) Home Page Comments Dear Sir, Here, maybe you could spell some of these for me: - "rude" Thanks a million, Spellmaster B. (NAME) The Great one (Ed. Note: Jackie Gleason?!?) (email) mariposa@autojoker.com (Comments) Save the world? You guyz need a life, though the one you lead now is somewhat close to one. First of all- good sence of humer, LOL. Have you ACTUALLY ever swallowed a piece of CANDY FROM HELL? I double dare you too- and take a good picture of it too! oh , and ...I got this question>>> Do you guyz get good english grades or what? If I wrote like that I would flunk the class- year after year with no mercy at all from the teachers, serously- tell me!? (Rating) Magical!(Update?) Whatever. So, are you accusing me of poor writing, or are you trying to compliment me? I couldn't tell because, frankly, your grammer sucks balls, and I am left confused. Love, P.S. I have a life. Don't presume to know me. P.P.S. I'm glad you enjoyed the site. To say this one made me angry is to put it mildly. Let no one say that I didn't create this ode to hatred by myself! (NAME) Charlie (email) ***************** (Comments) Gentlemen: Dear Sir, While you may THINK that I have stolen graphics from your friend Moyra, you are entirely and completely INCORRECT!!! The frame I used for the picture on my page was used from a ROYALTY-FREE collection that came with the pre-packaged version of EZ Photo when I bought my HP Pavilion P100 three years ago. I resized and filtered the photo, and what you see is the result of a couple of hours of work, NOT the right-clicking theft you wrongly accused me of. If my picture frame does indeed look like the one Moyra has on her page (I won't even bother to check), perhaps you should instead inquire as to where HER version came from, don't you think? For all I care, she can go ahead and make her site a pay-only service; hers wouldn't be the only web site to fall vicitim to greedy capitalistic urges, and I DON'T need her help.
Sincerely, Note: He never apologized... Hmmmmmmmmmm....... (NAME) Garlic Breath (email) (fake email address) (Comments) Firstly, I think you can save the world by removing this waste of space (your web site). No, seriously, don't hold back. Tell us how you REALLY feel. Here are some letters that are either indecipherable, highly strange, or are otherwise uncategorizable. (NAME) Mr. Hershey (email) ********@yahoo.com (Comments) Excuse me, gentlemen. I happen to be the owner of the fantastic Hershey Chocolate Factory. I also own the smaller companies that you claim are being smuggled in the U.S. I know the difference between good candy and bad candy. And let me tell you, none of my candy, whether it be Hershey's or these smaller name brands is bad. You just haven't developed the taste buds required for enjoying my candy. So shut your trap and eat brussel sprouts until you can learn to appreciate my good candy. (Rating) Super duper!(Update?) Abraham Lincoln Dear Mr. Hershey, Wow, we are honored by your presence to our most humble site! I find it odd that your IP address leads back to an America Online proxy server, and that you use a Yahoo! email account, but hey, you're the big candy man, so I guess you can do whatever you want! By the way, perhaps you could enlighten me as to where the term "Hershey Squirt" came from? Whoever you are, sir, you are most assuredly a dumbass. Sincerely, (NAME) paky (email) flan (Comments) What candy is on, now? I and all the of it are having candys time too, also. But, Damage? Hoo! I no that you internet candy because I can't try to eat bad candy myself, yes? Do not clank make a candy. thansk, (Update?) Abraham Lincoln Err... gosh. Okay, I guess. |
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I am, to say the least, a little insulted, as I have put many hours of work into this site, with the assistance of ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE!!! I would expect an apology, except this whole thing is probably so embarrassing for you, I won't hold my breath for one. Attached (see picture at left) you will find another photo from the same collection, which I have manipulated for your enjoyment. Moyra doesn't have one of THESE on her site, does she? |
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