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| Shocking Candy Statistics! |
1. Every 5 seconds, someone, somewhere, is probably eating bad candy.
2. Every second, a child weeps, sometimes because of bad candy.
3. Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich, which is sorta like bad candy.
4. Most people don't like to eat poop. Coincidentally, poop is like bad candy, but at least doesn't pass itself off as food. Except to my dog.
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 Our Mission Statement:
We, of the Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site, do hereby declare war on any and all candy whose consumption serves only to create misery and suffering amongst the upstanding citizenry of the world. Furthermore, we state our belief that bad candy is the impetus of all wrongdoing; it is the shapeless force that drives drug addiction, prostitution, and global warming. It is the reason why you’re going bald and is the cause of your deep-seeded, nameless neuroses. It is a mysterious force that transcends space and time. Who killed JFK? Ask bad candy. Where the hell is Jimmy Hoffa? Ask bad candy. Who was that naked guy talking to your children at the park? That, actually, was me. Sorry. Thought they were someone I knew.
So, who are we to make such bold, culturally ignorant statements about food, you may ask? Who are we to say what does and doesn’t constitute bad candy? We are Mark and Ben, the collective Isaac Hayes of the Internet: I'm the "Black Moses of Soul" and Ben is "Truck Turner". Except neither of us is black. And we can't sing. But we're hard and mean, and we've got tenacity! At least give us that much!
 Since 1997, the Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site has been dedicated to the eradication of unscrupulous treats. We search the dusty bottom shelves of convenience stores and supermarkets to bring you the candy coverage that you deserve! So that you don’t have to! And because you probably wouldn’t want to. And because, quite frankly, you never even thought about it. And do you want to know why? Because the evil confectioners of the world want to keep you in the dark! Every year, bad candy manufacturers spend tens, perhaps even hundreds of dollars on propaganda to keep you and your loved ones from fully comprehending the incredible destructive force harvested from their infernal factories. Their nefarious machinery excretes glop after brown, grainy glop of soul-corroding candy, the ingredients for which are wrought from the corpses of Satan’s undead army, while you go about your day in ignorant bliss!
Well, wake up, people of Earth! These exporters of excrement mean business! Bad candy makers would like nothing more than to strap your pasty, doughy body to a Lay-Z-Boy and pump a steady stream of sticky, slimy, oozing filth down your throat while watching you flail your helpless limbs to and fro in absolute terror and dismay! They mock your pain! Why? Because they’re mean, goddammit!
Is that what you want!?? Is it!?? Is that a world you would like to inhabit?
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Howdy there, partners! My names Pocky, and I'm a halfway decent candy who hails from Japan! I travelled all the way here from the land o' the rising sun just to tell you about my crime-fighting buddies, Ben and Mark! I tell ya, these here fellers sure do drag themselves through hell and back just to protect you and your families from the evils of crap! Why, sure as my hat looks like an upside-down ass, these boys have been busting their heinies to keep you on the bleeding edge of culinary danger! Of course, they aren't the brightest bulbs in the drawer. Just the other day I convinced Mark to lick the festering saddle wound on the inside of my thigh for a nickle!
Boy, was that stupid! And then there was the time that Ben ate poop. Actually, come to think of it, these boys are about as rock stupid as a couple of safety helmet-wearing mental charges! But after three years and a mess o' candies, they're still rarin' to go! Of course, after three years, you'd think there would've been more updates... but shoot, that don't matter none! Just grab your 10 gallon ass-hat, your blue boots, and your bread holsters, and join us in a confectionary adventure for the whoooooooooole family! Yeehaw!
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No! Of course not! And it doesn’t have to be that way, because we’re here to help. We will turn our calculating eyes on candies of all shapes and sizes, collected the world over, applying a strict, rigidly scientific methodology to our pokings and proddings. We’ll report the facts, providing you with the information you'll need to keep your family safe from harm. You, on the other hand, will skim over all that crap and skip to the part with the picture of Ben vomiting.
Why do we do this? Why all the wasted blood, sweat, and saliva? Because, quite frankly, the chicks love it. And because those Wednesday night Tai Chi classes were full. But we also do it because, as upstanding citizens of the world, we feel it is our right and our duty to level the dusty, cracked roads of cultural variety and in their place steamroll a slick, black, corporate-sponsored four-lane super-highway for the worldwide advancement of bland American foodstuffs! Those who stand in our way shall relinquish before our onslaught of $.39 McHamburgers and Processed Sugar-Foods! They will bow before our mighty handfuls of Nougat and Fiddle Faddle! They will buckle beneath a torrent of Coca-Cola and Galvinized Sparkling Mineral Water! And should anyone further resist our onslaught, Ben will pick me up and throw me at them, because even though I only weigh 93 lbs. I’m tenacious and mean, like a rabid ferret with claws of steel and a heart of gold!
Wherever our cause may lead us, and whatever the future may hold, know this: we are doing it all for you. You owe us. Big time.
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Candy Rating
Definitions
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Almost tolerable; semi-edible |
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The suffering starts here |
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Pain and misery abound |
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The ultimate horror; hell on Earth |
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Even worse than that |
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Satan himself cowers in fear |
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Sponsorship!