It wasn't until I found myself laying face down in the back of the speeding van, gagged and hog-tied, with the cold, black muzzle of an assault rifle sticking in my ear, that I realized that somewhere along the line, something had gone terribly awry. I lifted up my head a couple of inches to see how Ben was doing. He looked bad. Real bad. I could just make out the shape of his bruised and battered body on the opposite side of the van. He wasn't moving.

"Bwen..." I tried to whispered through the gag. "Bwen. Awe ou oway?"

"Shut up, American dog!" yelled one of the heavyset masked thugs in a thick Russian accent, as he repeatedly brought the heel of his large, steel-toed boot smashing down on my nose. I began screaming and blubbering like a child as blood ran freely down my face and gathered in a pool on the van floor below. If we were going to survive, I was going to have to stay sharp, but I was quickly losing my edge. Things were getting out of control. I had started to black out from the pain, when I suddenly flashed back to my childhood in a small Guamanian village, which is where our story really begins...

Actually, that's a pretty long story. Just know this: no matter where you are, or what you are doing, I will always be standing five inches behind you, drooling and leering at your hindquarters like the perverted hunchback that I am. And I think that alone speaks volumes about me.

It has been brought to my attention that my bio was in dire need of updating. It was. So, after months of much speculation of what was to be told in the new bio, I present you with "Ben at a Glance". A Cliffnotes version if you will, of me, the man, the myth, the legend in his own mind. All rumors can now be laid to rest.

Name: Ben
Age: Old enough to know better, young enough not to care.
Sex: Not nearly enough.
Alias:

• "Hollywood"
• Miss Conception (My transgendered name)
  
• El Segundo (My Mexican midget wrestling name)
  
• Marvelous Martin Tranquil (my adult-film name. To find out what your adult-film name would be, simply take your middle name, and the name of the street you live on, and put them together. Some of you are maybe asking yourselves "Wait a second, where'd he get Marvelous from?" Well, I like to call that artistic license. Have fun.)

The Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site has be open and operational since 1997. We started out on Geocities with a site that was, graphically, less than impressive. When we debuted the site, we had written only three reviews (Tamarind, Diana Pico, and Tiger Eyes), and the sad thing is, we haven't written than much more since, though back then we at least had the excuse that nobody cared whether we updated or not. Our first big breakthrough came when we were featured as the "Geocities Site of the Day" in early 1998, which sounds pretty cool, until you realize that the site featured the day before us was a rather unremarkable homepage for a gay asian bodybuilder. Still, it brought traffic, and with traffic came our first glimpse of the fame and fortune we have now come to realize as being permanently beyond our reach. "C'est la vie," says Ben, which I think means "show me the money!" in France talk.

In 1999, we were featured as one of the daily oddities on the Portal of Evil, which got us noticed by Chet, co-owner and operator of the network. Chet promptly offered us a place on his then-blossoming amalgamation of madness, and while being affiliated with a network that houses sites about Fat Chicks in Party Hats, bitter, half-cocked views on the gaming industry, and Crazy Grandpas was tempting, we wound up being hosted by our buddy Kevin at VideoGameNews.com for a while before eventually being swayed into coming over to the dark side, which is where we currently reside, sitting pertly on the armrests of Satan's throne.

We moved into our posh digs on the Portal of Evil network around March of 2000. It's been four years since we started The Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site (more if I haven't updated this lately), and we're still trying to kick ass, though we are often encumbered by your taunts and racial accusations, and sometimes Ben cries a lot and I have to comfort him, but instead I start crying too, and then snot runs down our faces and our eyes get all puffy and we look dumb. You people are mean and vindictive bastards, and I don't know why we even bother trying anymore.

I still blame Ben for all of this, by the way. All of it.

Cindy Brady (aka Susen Olsen) on her Internet radio show at ComedyWorld.com: "I think you guys are great! I love the Bad Candy site!"

Yahoo Life! Internet Magazine: "Where fly-by-night foodstuffs come to be sampled by two sanity-impared freaks bent on their own confectionery-related demise"

Raygun Magazine: "Bad candy reviews were never so gripping. The authors...pull no punches on the blistering, lunch-ruining commentary."

The Los Angeles Times: "... a couple of guys who might have a bit too much time on their hands..."

USA Today: "Some activists turn to the Web to battle poverty or disease. This site has its cross hairs trained on Bad Candy."

Seanbaby from Seanbaby.com