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Why, it's the Reader Submission Section, of course! See the bummed out little monkey up in the corner of your screen? Says so right there, dummy! You see, people keep sending us their own bad candy stories, and some of them are so good, we feel we should be sharing them with the rest of the world. And now we can! EVERY WEEK we'll be featuring a new bad candy story written by YOU, the everyday heroes of this culinary crusade! Yes, EVERY WEEK! Your fragile mind cannot handle extreme READER-SUBMITTED ACTION!!! So put on your glittery uni-tard and strike a pose, because this is your chance to SHINE, superstar!
But remember, none of this works without your support! Do you have a bad candy story to share? Want to impress your friends and make new enemies? Like to make an ass of yourself in public? Then for the love of Christ, set pen to paper and let the prose flow from your quill like turpentine down a hobo's throat! Please refer to the boring small print at the bottom of this page for details.
And now, without further adieu...
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Gumi
Poop!
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I have been a reader of the
Bad Candy website since way back when.
And I just sit back and laugh my ass of whenever something new comes
out. When they announced that they were accepting reader
submissions, I knew my life finally could have come meaning. I
recently took a trip to Tokyo, Japan and came across some rather
interesting artifacts. The first of which I will review for you
today. |
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My brother Ninjafu and I were browsing a
small candy store and what do my wondering heart did appear? Between
the Pocky and something called "near"? Tiny foil squares
with "gumi" inside. In the shape of dog feces. My
joy I could not hide! I knew the Japanese had very different views
on bodily secretions. But to make a candy in the shape of fecal
waste, there has to be something fundamentally wrong! |
"how
much for the poopie in the window?" |
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"You
know you make me wanna SHIT!" |
Just in case you thought that the shape
of these brown blobs might be a co-incidence, to the Left I have placed
the best known picture of the back label of these confectionaries.
Is there any doubt to the intention of the shape? If you look at the
green characters on the left, they almost look like
"S-H-T" More than likely another Japanese misspelling,
like "creep" "powder creamy for your coffee."
Because I don't read Japanese Kanji, for henceforth, we will refer to
these as "Gumi Poop!" |
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Upon peeling back
the cartoony-like crap on the paper backing, one gets the realization that
"gumi" is not the proper terminology for this candy. I
would think "Asphalt Tar" might convey it's consistency a little
better. It took the better half of five minutes (really) to peel the
gumi poop out of it's little plastic "mold." At which
point, it left brown markings, similar to snail trails, on my fingertips. |
"Gotta
boogie on my finger!" |
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After wrestling with the gumi for a while
to get it onto one finger so it could be "eaten" I finally
mustered (hmmm, mustard might be nice) up the courage to put the thing
into my mouth. To be honest, the actually flavor was not that
bad. There was actually a definite "cola" taste.
However, the tar-like texture and mega-stickiness actually made me gag
once or thrice. |
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The very thought that:
a) Japanese children voluntarily put
this into their mouths and
b) I had spent nearly 10yen each on a
bag of these things
actually made me ill to my stomach. |
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Even when chewed into pieces, each piece
retained a definitely rubbery texture. Often, the seemed to refuse
together. As if the gumi was a sentient being trying to keep itself
together. Eventually, I was able to swallow the evil, bitter
thing. I have been in counseling for two months since. |
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And now, the ratings! |
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PACKAGING:
Actually
very cute. There is no doubt from seeing the little dancin' poo
about what you're about to eat. |
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APPEARANCE:
Gumi
Poop actually reminded me of that one Star Trek The Next Generation
episode where Tasha Yarr got eaten by the black, slick looking monster
which was the concentration of all evil.......ehhh.. never mind |
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FLAVOR:
The
flavor wasn't really all that bad. Kind of like a Gummi Coke bottle. |
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CONSISTENCY:
I
honestly would have done an entire page of little
men just to describe the consistency. But I think I'm limited to
six. |
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OVERALL:
Overall,
I would say that Gumi Poop was certainly a very eye opening, run to the
fridge, drink six week-old milk just to get the taste out of my mouth kind
of experience. |
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As if
Gumi Poop were not enough, I also picked up what can only be described at
"Anal Plug Candy Juice." Following, you can see pics of
the "blue" and "green" varieties. I have not yet
even attempted to try these. They sit in my desk drawer at work,
taunting and torturing me! |
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If you
would like to witness the unveiling of more Japanese Horrors, Let Ben and
Mark know! I'll open these monstrosities if they ask me! |
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My website
will be opening up again sometime soon. I'm just looking for a
decent host. Hint Hint Hint! *winks* E-mail me by clicking on
my signature -> |
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