Why, it's the Reader Submission Section, of course! See the bummed out little monkey up in the corner of your screen? Says so right there, dummy! You see, people keep sending us their own bad candy stories, and some of them are so good, we feel we should be sharing them with the rest of the world. And now we can! EVERY WEEK we'll be featuring a new bad candy story written by YOU, the everyday heroes of this culinary crusade! Yes, EVERY WEEK! Your fragile mind cannot handle extreme READER-SUBMITTED ACTION!!! So put on your glittery uni-tard and strike a pose, because this is your chance to SHINE, superstar!

But remember, none of this works without your support! Do you have a bad candy story to share? Want to impress your friends and make new enemies? Like to make an ass of yourself in public? Then for the love of Christ, set pen to paper and let the prose flow from your quill like turpentine down a hobo's throat! Please refer to the boring small print at the bottom of this page for details.

And now, without further adieu...

Thursday, August 24, 2000 2:51 AM

Opened specimen. The smell alone was enough to almost get me to abort. It smells "like ass" according to my assistant (a.k.a. wussy friend who wouldn't eat it with me). It actually smells like Spicy paint....a combo of paint with various spices.

Using tongs, removed specimens form packaging and placed them on paper towels. There was a mysterious juice left in the bag, and also some soaked into the paper towels.

Spearing specimen with fork...preparing for consumption.

After growing balls the size of mangos (weak laughter), I finally closed my eyes and "dug in". Now, if you've ever gone swimming in the ocean, maybe you've accidentally opened your mouth and let some nasty seawater in. Now, imagine mixing that seawater with chili powder. Add something semi-solid. You may end up with Di-n-Di's Preserved Mango w/ Chili.

Now, salty I can handle...spicy too...but the two together, that is hell in a little plastic pouch. I am actually at a loss for words on how to explain exactly the amount of torture placing this "thing" in my mouth put me through. I can't say eating it, because I didn't eat it. The only bite I took was the one that severed the piece from the rest on my fork. That was possibly the worst mistake I have ever made. As soon as it entered my mouth. it pulled out it's arsenal of jackhammers and started to destroy my taste buds. The piece stayed in my mouth for approximately 00:00.70 seconds before being promptly ejected into the garbage disposal, and that was followed by some muscle spasms, watery eyes, and a small amount of vomit.

So boys and girls, what did we learn today? Never, ever eat anything that's preserved with chili.

Make your friends do it instead.

   

Packaging: 2
Aside from the little cute fat kids, they weren't very decptive with the packaging tactics. You can see what you are getting into, you just don't know how badly.

Appearance: 5
Looks like large slugs

Taste: 6
Nasty, nasty, and more nasty. I have not yet eaten anything worse than this.

Consistancy: ???
I would like to rate this, but I really didn't get the chance to chew it *shudders at the thought*

Overall: 5
Not the worst, but definately very close. I wouldn't ever attempt to try this item unless you think that the experience will in some way help you to become a better person (here's a hint: IT WON'T)