Super Rebanaditas!
Written by: Jon Correll and... his friend Brad (whose email I lost)
 How many times have you found yourself at a summer outdoor barbecue,
thirsty from the heat, when your gracious host brings out a tray of freshly sliced
watermelon. You grab a piece and bite into the refreshing fruit, when suddenly
a thought hits you. Sure, the juicy watermelon is sweet and refreshing, but there's
something missing. Your mind searches for ways to improve upon the summer fruit,
when suddenly you realize what is lacking. Chili powder! How much tastier and
thirst quenching would watermelon be if it was surrounded by a thick coating of
chili powder!
I'm sure right now many of you are nodding your head in recollection of sharing
this exact same moment, but have probably never had the opportunity to realize
your dream of the union of watermelon with chili powder. Until now that is. Thanks
to the sadistic bastards at the Vero company, you can treat your mouth to the horror
that is Super Rebanaditas, and believe me, once you do, you'll never look at watermelon
the same way again.
Super Rebanaditas come packaged individually sealed in very colorful plastic bags,
with a cheery picture of a big slice of watermelon with a Superman-like 'S' across it's
fruity chest. This 'S' undoubtedly stands for 'Somebody call the paramedics', because
that's what you'll be Screaming when you Stick this piece of Shit in your mouth. The
company tagline for this product claims you'll be eating, "Yummy watermelon
lollipops smothered in spicy chili powder! Sweet and spicy flavor sensations mingle
in harmony on your tongue!" If by 'mingle in harmony on your tongue' they mean
'brutally ravage your tastebuds', then they are right on. The only other semblance of a
warning on the package is a big red explosion-shaped mark which reads, 'CON SUPER
CHILE', which I have learned translates from Spanish into 'You are about to make a very
foolish mistake'.
If you open the package at any less of a distance than 30 miles from your nose, your sense
of smell will immediately be assaulted by the odor of chili powder. The lollipops are placed
stick-up in the bags, which seems inocuous enough at first, until you realize the reason for
this is so the candy can be in constant contact with the inch or so of chili powder which
fills the bottom of each plastic sack they are wrapped in. Pulling the lollipop out of the
bag, you will notice that it is shaped like a slice of watermelon, but contains a force-field-like
coating of chili powder, which you can almost hear coaxing, 'I dare you to try to eat through
me to the watermelon goodness...'
Well, my friend Brad and I made the mistake of accepting the evil chili powder's challenge,
and placed the lollipops in our mouths. Now when I read some of your candy reviews I
questioned how bad candy could actually taste. I mean, come on, it's still candy, right?
How wrong I was. I have no idea what the watermelon-part of the lollipop tastes like,
because much like placing your hand on a hot stove, as soon as the candy hit my tongue,
my brain instincively knew that a part of my body was in danger, and reacted by forcing
my hand to grab the end of the stick and yank the whole lump of crap out of my mouth.
The powder instantly absorbed all the moisture in my mouth, and congealed into a gooey
chili mess that made me wonder if someone at the Vero company is the leader of a cult and
testing ways to enact a mass suicide among it's members. Brad managed to keep the pop
in his mouth for a few seconds more, but the tortured look on his face told me that it was a
decision he may not live to regret. Neither of us ever reached the watermelon hard candy,
and were drinking fluids to try (unsuccessfully) to wash the flavor out of our mouths for at
least 10 minutes. And the thought that there was still enough chili powder left in the bottom
of the bag to kill a horse made me wonder if anyone is masochistic enough to dip the pop
back in for another trip to the gates of Hell. I hope that if there does exist such a person,
he's locked up in solitary confinement, but he's probably working for the Vero company.
The bottom line is that combining chili powder with anything sweet is a very, very bad idea;
and putting something in your mouth containing such a combination borders on certifiable
insanity. Pouring castor oil on pancakes is a more appealing meal for me...
Final ratings:
Packaging: 1 - It looks harmless enough. In fact, you'll be fooled by the bright colors
and oversized watermelon into thinking this is something refreshing. It's not.
Appearance: 3 - Basically a lollipop shaped like a watermelon slice, but then coated in
a hideous crust of chili powder. There's no hiding the fact that you're going to be putting A
LOT of chili powder in your mouth. And that's not counting what's left in the bottom of the bag.
Taste: 6 - Worst Taste Imaginable. All you have to know is that it's the Worst Taste
Imaginable.
Consistency: 5 - Go into your mom's spice cabinet. Grab the container of chili powder.
Pour about a tablespoon in your mouth. Now try to swallow it. There you go.
Overall: 6 - You wouldn't put chili powder on real watermelon, so what makes anyone
think you would want to put it on watermelon candy? Anyone who manages to eat a whole one
of these, especially if you redip, deserves whatever gastrointestinal horrors that follow.
|
Sponsorship!
