Why, it's the Reader Submission Section, of course! See the bummed out little monkey up in the corner of your screen? Says so right there, dummy! You see, people keep sending us their own bad candy stories, and some of them are so good, we feel we should be sharing them with the rest of the world. And now we can! EVERY WEEK we'll be featuring a new bad candy story written by YOU, the everyday heroes of this culinary crusade! Yes, EVERY WEEK! Your fragile mind cannot handle extreme READER-SUBMITTED ACTION!!! So put on your glittery uni-tard and strike a pose, because this is your chance to SHINE, superstar!

But remember, none of this works without your support! Do you have a bad candy story to share? Want to impress your friends and make new enemies? Like to make an ass of yourself in public? Then for the love of Christ, set pen to paper and let the prose flow from your quill like turpentine down a hobo's throat! Please refer to the boring small print at the bottom of this page for details.

And now, without further adieu...

Vero Mango!
Written by: Ferret
Website: http://members.tripod.com/fish_bait

When I was passing through the local grocery store one afternoon, a colorful display of candy happened to catch my eye. It was a collection of candy from Mexico, arranged invitingly in 99 cent assorted bags. Inside some of the bags was "VERO MANGO"-a blobbish lollipop on a stick,encrusted with an inexplicable brown gritty substance. This caught my eye right away, and I knew that a true Bad Candy experience awaited me if I was willing and ready for it. Of course, I know now that one can never be truly READY for an experiance as hideous as the one I was about to have, but as I headed down the isle with my purchace, I felt I could handle anything.

Naturally, I was wrong.

The first inkling I got that I might be in for something more wretched than I could possibly handle was Vero Mango's smell. It reeked of toilet cleanser mixed with brine and chili powder. At first I assumed this was partially due to a gritty white powder in a small toy salt shaker that came with the package, which also smelled like toilet cleanser and, when I tentatively dipped my tounge into the shaker, burned like salt mixed with battery acid and rancid limes. However, after I had scanned Vero Mango into my computer I opened the protective wrapping and inhaled deeper than Bill Clinton with a joint, which was pretty bad. Yes, this too smelled strongly of toilet cleanser.

That's exactly the moment I should have given up on the whole project, but like a fool I continued to the kitchen sink where I prepared to actually insert this atrocity into my mouth. The inexplicable brown crusty powder was caked onto the lollipop in an impenatrable defense sheild, and when I tentitively licked it, it burned like the stings of a hundred thousand fire ants and tasted like a combination of toilet cleanser (which was expected), chili powder, salt, and a sickly fruitish essence which reminded me of those agressively fruit-scented air freshener sprays. It tasted a little bit like mango, I suppose, but it was the dry, shriveled kind of mango jerky you get in vacum-sealed bags in the bargain bin of dingy health food stores. I rolled Vero Mango around in my mouth, the horrid boquet of flavors assaulting my poor horrified tounge. In my confused state, I thought that maybe, if I penetrated Vero Mango's defense shell, I could triumph over the candy and at least retain some shred of dignity.

I bit. It cracked... and the wretched flavor increased to a firy burning climax as shards of Vero Mango imbedded themselves in every crevice of my mouth. Just then, my gag reflexes kicked in and I violently sent Vero Mango chunks hurtling in what I vaugely hoped was the general proximity of the garbage, but I was beyond knowing or really caring. Desperately scrabbling around in the sink and gulping water straight from the faucet I realised I was a defeated person. Vero Mango had reduced me to a shuddering, sniveling shell of my previous self. As the water failed to soothe the vicious burning the candy had left in my mouth, I swore that I would never underestimate the power of Bad Candy again.



Vero Mango Ratings:

Appearance:
Smell:
Consistency:
Taste:





10/23/00
More Padding/Whining
by Mark

10/16/00
Vero Mango
by Ferret

10/09/00
Super Rebanaditas
by Jon Correll

10/02/00
Nothing of Interest
by Mark

09/25/00
Di-n-Di's Preserved Mango
by Jeremy

09/18/00
Jolly Jolly
by Leland Aldridge

09/11/00
Gummi Poop
by The Fly

09/04/00
Sixlets
by Jess Ragan


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Rules for review submission:
1) Keep the swearing to a minimum. A little is okay, a lot is just juvenile. Trust me; I should know!
2) Send all relevant info you would like posted with your review, including any URLs or email addresses you'd like published.
3) Once you have sent your review, WE will let YOU know when it will be published. Not all submitted reviews will necessarily be posted; your chances of getting published depend entirely on the content and humor level of your review. Though you may get lucky if I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

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If everything is in order, then submit your review to mark@bad-candy.com!

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