Somebody at Yahoo! has it in for us. Big time. This isn't just another one of my random paranoid delusions either, like the time I was convinced Ben was spying on me through a crack in the bathroom door. Talk about "stage fright"! I couldn't pee for a week and a half! My point: when you live in a fantasy world as rich as mine, you don't trust your instincts... you get an outside opinion. Fortunately, YOU, our trusting readership, have helped to solidify my theories. That's right: each and every one of you magnificent, sexually stunted bastards has helped to prove something I've suspected all along: everybody surrounding me is a degenerative pervert, and the entire Internet is conspiring to kill us.

See, the Portal of Evil network allows us to track all sorts of statistics about bad-candy.com: how much traffic we get per day, what pages are visited, and most importantly, who is linking to our site. By finding out who is providing link-through traffic, we can not only publicly stroke our massive, unwieldly egos by reading up on how much you all love us, but we are also able to see what keywords people are typing into various search engines to find our site. Which brings us back to my two-fold conclusion:

1. bad-candy.com is the premier source for Mexican-hating bestiality literature on the Internet, and
2. somebody at Yahoo! hates us and wants us dead.

The stuff you filthy cretins search the Internet for is, quite frankly, appalling. Just over the past week and a half, I've observed you crotch-fondling perverts cavort about in a never-ending quest for "lusty ladies", "nipple sucking", and (disgustingly enough) "love juice". The worst part?

You've been finding our site instead.

"How can this be happening?" I asked myself as I huddled underneath a pile of blankets in my closet, trying not to breath too loudly. "How could somebody possibly type the words 'tit milk' and 'prescription hallucinagenics' [sic] into a search engine and pull up bad-candy.com?" It didn't make any sense, unless somebody had recently confused our site with a Russ Meyer film collection. So I decided to do some investigating, and the conclusive results I've unearthed are guaranteed to rock your world... or your money back.

Compiled here is an ever-growing list of search keywords I have gathered from various search engines, all of which (if typed in the exact same case, without quotations marks) should eventually lead back to our site; many of them even list us as the top-ranking choice. I'm not proud of this information, but here it is regardless.

And now... the evidence:

1. "i hate mexicans" - (9/20/00) So many years of denial and dissuasion, of confrontation and anger... all laid to waste in one swift, decisive blow from Yahoo!. So we give up. If Yahoo! says we're the #1 Mexican hate-crime resource on the Internet, then we apparently are. Any further conjecture is useless. The good news is that your years of collective brown rage have finally been justified. We would apologize to the entire Hispanic population for wasting their time with our erroneous self-judgment, but we're too preoccupied with senseless anger to bother. Instead, I'd like to take this opportunity to plug Amazon.com as an excellent source for books on hating Mexicans. (update: I've since noticed that doing a search for "i don't hate mexicans" turns up the exact same results. So we're officially ambivelent about the entire affair... I guess.)
   
   
2. "the old folk's crusade" - (9/20/00) What the hell is this?!? Is Yahoo! suggesting that our glorious struggle against candy oppression is something that a even decrepit old man could handle? That we're weak and frail? That we aren't as tough as Kurt Russell? Speaking of which...
   
   
3. "ultimate soldier" - (9/20/00) Somebody explain to me why we're listed as #103 on the scale of Internet-savvy Ultimate Soldiers, because last time I checked, we were busy kicking online ass by the handful! We're the original Ultimate Soldiers, you heartless bastards! I've got Van Damm squirming under the hard rubber heel of my military-issue camouflage boot, and Ben is chomping cigars by the mouthful as he crushes Dolph Lundgren's throat with one hand and shoves a grenade down his pants with the other! THAT'S PRETTY HARDCORE! What do you have to say about that, Mr. Fancypants Yahoo!? We're rock-hard soldiers of the candy revolution, and no matter how you size it up, we're right on top! Well, at least we ranked higher than the Binary Zone SELL-O-RAMA, whatever that is.
   
   
4. "latex/dominatrix" - (9/20/00) Back on top of the list again. I'm not sure what to make of this one, so I'm not even going to attempt an explanation. But if you need any books on dominating people in fruity leather outfits, I hear Amazon.com is the place to be.
   
   
5. "lusty ladies" - (9/20/00) Whatever. It only makes sense to one person, and Yahoo! isn't giving up any information about who they might be. So until I find out, I'll just have to hang on to my anonymous threats regarding a future meeting between that person's genitals and my cordless Black & Decker drill. Besides, I'd rather draw your attention to the bottom of the list, where acidpope.com is advertising "Horny young girls and lusty ladies tasting each others sweet..." Sweet what? I haven't the foggiest, and neither do you, but it must be something quite special. In other news, Amazon.com seems to be offering a special of their own on Lusty Ladies! ORDER NOW AND FIND OUT WHAT THEY'RE LICKING! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!
   
   
6. "tit milk" - (9/20/00) *gag*
   
   
7. "nipple sucking" - (9/20/00) Related to the tit milk? *double gag* The offer for "hot nipple sucking sessions" near the bottom of the page is equally unsettling.
   
   
8. "prescription hallucinagenics" - (9/20/00) At least this one almost makes sense. Almost. The most embarrassing part is that I misspelled "hallucinogenics".
   
   
9. "make a web page" - (9/20/00) Not only is bad-candy.com listed as a guide to helping people make more websites about their collection of bean-filled toys and plastic ninjas, but so is a site dedicated to "those who make and study costumes." In other words: homosexuals.
   
   
10. "come again sweet love" - (10/02/00) I'm more interested in knowing what the hell this person was REALLY looking for, because it sure as hell wasn't bad candy. Notice the surprising lack of sexually-oriented sites listed.
    
    
11. "bad candy" (hotbot.com) - (10/02/00) Here's a perfect example of why the Internet is broken: the very first site Hotbot pulls up for a search on "bad candy" is a site with "multiple categorized spanking galleries". What are the categories? With cotton panties? Without cotton panties? I don't get it. At least bad-candy.com is listed second... rather, a year-old, outdated link to bad-candy.com is listed. (kindly submitted by CBAT)

We want to continuously maintain this database, and we need your help! If you happen to come across a particularly odd bad-candy.com listing on ANY search engine, email us and let us know!