We are a Beacon of Light in the Raging Sea of Stupidity...
Welcome to the mosted hallowed of halls, the great, the wonderous, the ponderous Hall of Stupid Letters. Contained within these marbled corridors are the most base of arguements, the most foul of insults, and the most horrid grammar (worse than mine, even). These angry letters are the product of too much free time, a total disregard for thought or reason, and a healthy exposure to lead-based paint as a small child. And while people like these occasionally make us want to crawl under the covers and let the world weed itself out, we will continue to stand, unflinching in the face of criticism, against the tyranny of such wicked men! (And women!).
So join us now in our quest for truth, justice, and a hearty laugh at stupidity. Unless you are one of them, in which case you should immediately drop dead.
Note: Many return visitors may notice a format change in this section. We are no longer categorizing hate mail by subject; from now on letters will be listed from the most recent additions back, with the exception of the the ones that were already here, which are just listed willy nilly since I'm too lazy to go back and sort them. So, in summary, newest letters on top. Deal with it.
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 01:37:44 -0400
Name: Private Ryan
Email: None Listed
Comments:
Uh, yeah...I'm kinda new here, only been here a couple times. Someone recommended this site to me. Anyway, I think it's absolutely hilarious and, for the most part, well-worded, but I also think that you could get your point across equally well without the vast amounts of profanity. Don't get me wrong, I admit that sometimes that does add humor, but it's also rather offensive and doesn't encourage me to come back anymore. I think the workmanship on the pages is good, though, and you guys seem to be really sharp, enough so that you don't need to cuss to be funny. Thanks!
Rating: It was okay.
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 04:41:52 -0400
Name: Jane Doe
Email: pseudonyms@nonexistent.com
Comments:
You say "join us in our search for truth, justice, and a healthy laugh at stupidity!" It took me awhile, but I finally figured it out. The search for truth and justice is in what the people write to you. The stupidity is in your replies. I wasn't sure, but the more I read, the clearer it became. (I'm using small words so you'll be sure to understand.) You stoop so low in all your replies that I know you can't possibly consider yourself the "truth and justice" part of your invitation. Till next time!
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 04:45:17 -0400
Name: None Listed
Email: None Listed
Comments:
This is an excerpt from your home page. Would you please explain to me how a pasty, doughy body can change so quickly to scrawny? Thanks!
"Well, wake up, people of Earth! These exporters of excrement mean business! Bad candy makers would like nothing more than to strap your pasty, doughy body to a Lay-Z-Boy and pump a steady stream of sticky, slimy, oozing filth down your throat while watching you flail your scrawny, helpless limbs to and fro in absolute terror and dismay! They'll mock your pain and beat up your mom! Why? Because they’re mean, g*dd****it!"
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 17:28:51 -0400
Name: Satan
Email: None Listed
Comments:
I think it's terrible how you say all these candies come from me. I don't eat them, I don't manufacture them, and your language is much cruder than anything I would dare to use, since I know that God exists and will punish you for using His name in vain. Even I and my Fallen Ones know that He is there, and even we believe that He will punish you for what you're doing. But hey, don't let me stop you. The more you work for me, the more business my place gets! See ya there!
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Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 22:06:44 -0400
Name: Spelling Bee
Email: youwishyouknewme@hotmail.com
Comments:
If you're so sick of getting letters about your terrible and inexcusable spelling, why don't you fix it? For people as brilliant as you claim to be, you sure are dumb.
The Speller
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A note of explanation:
Some of you may be wondering what, exactly, all of these anonymous crackpot letters have to do with each other. And I don't blame you. The answer isn't immediately obvious. In fact, it's startling, embarrassing, and not just a little scary.
ALL OF THESE EMAILS CAME FROM THE EXACT SAME PERSON.
Sad, but true. Actually, sad, true, and very, very funny. Notice how we go from being "absolutely hilarious" to minions of Satan in the matter of a week. Schizophrenic much? I get the feeling that there will be more of these in the days to come, so stay tuned.
For those of you who are interested, these letters all came from the following IP block: 209.112.149.xxx. Yes, that's Alaska. No, that doesn't make me feel any better.
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Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 11:14:47 -0400
Name: Mark Johnson
Email: markj@tstonramp.com
Comments:
Your page used to be funny. Now it's just sleazy. Can't any website these days survive without turning belly up and pissing all over itself to ingratiate advertisers?
P.S.-- The Howard Stern I-dont-give-a-shit-what-anybody-thinks routine is really boring.
Rating: Unbelievable! More beautiful than God!
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You have our most sincere apologies, Mr. Johnson. Not only will Ben and I refund the $0.00 you paid to view the site IN FULL, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, but you will also have the satisfaction of knowing that we puzzled for several minutes over what, exactly, you meant when you said we had a "Howard Stern I-dont-give-a-shit-what-anybody-thinks routine". Congratulations on your use of the word "ingratiate", by the way.
But don't think that we're being sarcastic here, Mr. Johnson! No way, buddy! We know EXACTLY how you feel, big guy: A little let down! A little played out! A little teased up!
Why, just the other day I was writing a letter to Steven Spielberg, calling him a "big dumb bearded fag" because I thought Saving Private Ryan was "sooooooo stupid!!!!" "Where's the magic now, Steve?" I said. "Where's the Jurassic Parks and the Jawses? I don't care about guys in Europe shooting each other in the face two hundred years ago or whenever that was! And you didn't even film Schindler's List in color! What the hell, do you think that you're some kind of artist or something?!? You suck, you big dumb bearded fag." Then I pee'd in the envelope and mailed it, because goddammit, he OWES ME ENTERTAINMENT!
So we totally see where you're coming from, Mark. Really, we feel your angst. Here's what I suggest you do to alleviate any further annoyances or grievences generated by our site or any of the other advertisement-ladden affiliates at http://www.portalofevil.com:
- Make a fist.
- Extend your thumb vertically from the fist, as though you were about to give someone your unconditional, obviously heavily-weighted approval.
- Stick the thumb up your ass.
- Spin around as fast as you can until you fall over.
- Die, you stupid f--k.
If you have any further questions or concerns about the services we supply, feel free to keep them to yourself. And thanks for your continued support!
- Bad Candy Mark
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Mr. Johnson's Reply: Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000 15:30:20 -0700
Touched a nerve, did I? Good.
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Our Reply to His Reply (we need closure)
Yes, congratulations, you were highly successful at being an asshole for no particular reason, Mark. Job well done. Whatever you set out to accomplish has obviously come to fruition.
In fact, your mom, the girlfriend you've never had, and the President of the United States of America would like to present you with an award for "Most Insignificant Backhanded Accomplishment Ever Performed on the Internet"! This should make up for your flabby, pathetic ass failing to qualify for that physical fitness award in the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, and twelvth grades! You win!
- Bad Candy Mark
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Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2000 19:16:18 -0400
Name: None Give (the coward!)
Email: None Give (chicken!)
Comments:
¿Algo que no sepan? Bueno, ¿que no tienen que ponerse a trabajar?
Pobres estupidos racistas, hagan otra cosa mejor en lugar de estar hacisndo la vida imposible a los demas . La verdad gento como ustedes no causa odio sino lastima. Y si quieren entender lo que digo, aprendan español par de inutiles.
Rating: A Godsend!
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Allow me to translate:
"Is this not the best page ever? I can't think of a better way to spend your time than to make fun of my nation's candy!
"Poor stupid racists, they can never understand the true glory that is your web site. The truth is, they accuse you of being racists, but I know better! And that is why I wrote this in Spanish, so my brothers and sisters can know that you have my support!"
Well, hey, thanks man! We really appreciate that!
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Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2000 02:08:07 -0400
Name: Erick Cannon
Email: erickcano@techie.com
Comments:
just when i was starting to think that you guys had a point on all the information you provided............. i found youre just two little boys that had just discovered the internet and decided to mount a website just to get some attention .......i can tell that you guys are professionals (yeah right) so , its ok to criticize candy but not to be criticized
well , now i think its a good idea to have a web site to keep the delicated rednecks aware of what can be "harmfull" for all of you............have you ever criticized all your flavorless candies or food ????
please ..... try to get a life..............before a mexican candy starts talking to you............quit doing acid guys,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
sincerely
E.C.
Rating: It was okay.
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My dearest Erick,
Thanks for submitting your completely unintelligable opinion! Though I don't have the foggiest idea as to what it is you are specifically trying to communicate, I was able to decipher enough of your garbled pig-latin to infer that you are angry for some reason. And hey, that's cool! Lots of people are angry at us! You know why they're angry, Erick?
Because we're better than them.
And Erick, I can tell you with complete assurance that your jealousy of our fame (afforded us by our close ties with Cindy Brady) suits you like a unwashed, anonymous penis in your mom's mouth: total familiarity, perfect fit. But being superior to you in every way, it's hard for us to even take the time to notice when one of the "unwashed masses", such as yourself, get pissy and upset, let alone try and relate to their irrelevant anger. This email, for instance, has been an unimaginable exertion upon my affluent lifestyle, and so I must quickly bring it to a close before I get upset and spill champagne all over the leather interior of my limo.
So, to summarize: You are an ass. We are better than you. Neener neener neener.
And by the way, just because your email address has the word "techie" in it does not make you a l33t haX0r, despite what all your cool ICQ friends tell you. So quit talking like an elitist jackass, you Internet equivilent of roadkill.
- Bad Candy Mark
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Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 22:22:04 -0400
Name: Mauricio Rosel
Email: protoss1@prodigy.net.mx
Comments:
greetings rednecks
i first find out about your page in an latinamerican page, in a seccion dedicated to criticie web pages, the article about ur page was good so i checked it out. i was really disapointed wen i saw that all of the candies were mexican, and that just by being mexican or made in mexico you considered them bad and horrible.
Maybe it was cos you have been raised with another standarts, but im from mexico and i dont throw cheetos to the toilet and criticise the 100% sintetic shit made burgers from macdonalds, i just want to know, do you hate those candyes cos they r mexican?
Rating: Unbelievable! More beautiful than God!
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I really don't know how many more times I have to explain myself to the idiots of the world. No, we don't hate mexicans. No, not all mexican candy is bad. No, not all of the candy on our site is mexican. No, I would NOT care if you threw Cheetos in the toilet. I have no nationalistic pride for fast food and snacks. I have better things to worry about.
And finally, yes, you are a close-minded idiot. Not me. You.
- Bad Candy Mark
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Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 17:56:55 -0400
Name: Mikitikiwaka
Email:
Comments:
I dance if like char it, then no! If a cow chews taste, has! Car of the sun who speak? No wild diversion there. Amused it char of you, pagination you are like the amiable toy of the dance. Jump! If fly of the cat of dinosaur, you also! Like of heart, it cuts.
Rating: A Godsend!
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On to the less-well formatted Archived Letters! >>>
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