Fruit Salted Plum Suckers. Salted Fruit Plum Suckers. Plum Salted Suck Fruiters (!). I don't know, I can't keep a name like that straight. Three adjectives and a noun. What's weird is that no matter how you rearrange them, those four words pretty accurately describe what you are looking at: a sucker, a plum, and lots of salt. I realize that it is hard to visualize how these three objects would be combined into something vaguely edible, and, well, there's a reason for that: Fruit Salted Plum Suckers are not even vaguely edible.
You know those free suckers they hand out at the dentist that cause your teeth to rot, so that you'll have to go back in for another checkup every two months? Well, that's what Fruit Salted Plum Suckers (FSPS from here on out, because I'm too lazy to type that name again) are made out of. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, whether you like them or not, they are, for the most part, pretty inoffensive. Certainly not painful by any means.
BUT! this is deceptive! Flip that FSPS over, and the trap is revealed!
Look at what those bastards were trying to trick you into eating! Take a long, hard, steamy look! I can just hear the employees of Casa de Dulce taunting us: "Oh, those morons won't think to flip the sucker over. Just stick a SALTED, SPICY, DRIED OUT, DILAPIDATED PLUM CHUNK in there, and they'll never realize what hit 'em. Hahaha! We are evil!"
Well, we're on to you! We DID flip the sucker over, and now we've got you! We're going to expose you to the world, you rat bastards! The tables are turned! The night is upon us! NOW WE HAVE YOU! HAHA!
Sorry. Got carried away there (again). But I mean, COME ON! Who was the genius who thought that combining the world's greatest source of cavities with Sabroso, the world's greatest source of heart attacks, would be a good idea?!? We'd all be dead and toothless! THINK OF THE CHILDREN! And even if you cast aside the mortal danger this candy imposes, who could possibly think that this would taste even remotely good? "Well, it says right here on the Sabroso packaging that it's 'The Tasty One', so I guess it would probably go good with a sucker." Do you enjoy eating handfuls of salt!?!
Licking the sucker is harmless enough, depending on whether you are licking the sucker side or the plum side. You've got an assortment of three different colors to choose from. Whether these colors correspond to a difference in flavor is entirely up to debate however, as none of us bothered to notice. Ben, Jeff, and I were all too busy anticipating the initial lick-through, in which the sucker part of the FSPS would dissolve enough for the plum on the other side to poke it's ugly ass through and rub our exposed taste buds raw.
Ben reached it first. His eyes watered and began rolling around in his head. His head attempted to withdraw into his neck like a turtle. Jeff immediately followed suit, and a mad rush for the kitchen sink ensued. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable, as I still had a small buffer zone between the plum and myself, and the anticipation was killing me. I started sweating visibly, and with each gasp and wretch emanating from the kitchen, my determination to fully experience this candy diminished. Statements like "Dude, I can't get the brine taste off of my tongue" and "It burns, it burns!" weren't helping any.
And when the lick-through finally happened, my life was instantaneously changed forever.
These weren't regular Sabrosos, I realized. These were Turbo Sabrosos (not to be confused with the band Turbo Negro). Without warning, I swallowed what tasted like a mouthful of ocean water, which turned out to be a combination of the salty plum and my salivary glands working overtime. The sweet, sugary taste of the plum was completely masked by the intense brine-osity (I'm laying claim to that word right now) of the salted plum chunk. Imagine taking a piece of pineapple, dropping it in a glass of warm salt water, and then drinking the whole thing in one gulp. There. You saved yourself the trouble of licking a FSPS.
But Jeff was on a rampage! He was pissed, and he wasn't going to go down with just a few licks! "I'm gonna take a bite out of it!" he said, his eyes aglow with the passion of the insane. Perhaps he hadn't fully recovered from his Chaca Chaca ordeal? We figured, who cares, this was going to be frickin' hilarious!
But it wasn't. It was just pathetic. Jeff took a huge bite out of the sucker, held it in his clenched jaw for a few moments, and then started crying. We felt bad for the guy, so we pried the candy out of his teeth and took him to Dairy Queen, where we both chipped in and bought him a Blizzard. I wiped the tears away from his eyes, kissed his cheek, and asked him if he was feeling better as I rubbed his head. "Yeah, *sniff*. I guess so." Ben gave him a hug, and we all started laughing like they do at the end of sitcoms. Then the little gnomes came out from under the lacquered tables and sat on my lap as I told everyone the story of the brave little bear.
You know, I don't think that my therapy is paying off.