MuchAdoAboutRetardsMuch Ado About Retards.By jryanGoing to school in a small college town kinda sucked. Staying their in that same small college town through the summer was thirty feet of suck wrapped around an hot ice pick and slowly driven into your skull. That is How Dancin' Dude always saw it. So in between watching one of his million and a half movies that he had aquired in his boredom Dancin' Dude like to take walks. Long, quiet, drunken walks. Now in a small town, long walks either required lots of backtracking, of wilderness... Dancin' Dude tended to opt for the latter. Granted, on particularly boring and drunk nights he was never quite sure exactly which he had chosen... and there were some places in town where it didn't really make a damn bit of difference. But this night he wasn't really too drunk, and he wasn't really walking in circles, he was just good hard lost. When it was dark out Dancin' Dude used to get a bit bolder than he did in the day. You could walk a long way before you lost sight of the lights at the corner grocery. During the day it was easier to get lost. The sunlight plays tricks on you and you lose track of what id tree trunk and what is log cabin, and was is brick and what is boulder. Dancin' Dude got lost before in the day... but all he would have to do is wait for dusk and then look for the lights. This time he was lost in the dark. Being lost in the dark was bad. That meant that when daylight broke he would have to hope he could see a steeple if he had any hope of finding his way back. But he knew well enough that he would have lost sight of the steeple long before he lost sight of the lights in the town. This was bad. He had been lost for the better part of an hour when he went through the customary "Well I will just sit" followed by "Fuckit I will RUN UNTIL I SEE LIGHT!!" followed again by "fuckit, I will just sit.".. A this point he was sitting. he had hoped that all the urges to run had lead to running in the same direction and hoped more that the running was in the right direction.. but he couldn't be sure. So bad had the pannic been at one point that Dancin' Dude had fumbled for a few sturdy sticks that, come day break, he could use to fashion a crude sextant for navigation the following night. He had stuck them in his pocket like he was Survivorman only to realize that he didn't know fuckall about ancient navigation. The only light he had ever followed was the one to the corner grocery. "You can't wait here" he thought to himself "You have to run!" "You can't run! You'll get more lost!" he answered back. He knew that it was only a matter of time before the "Run!" side won the argument again. Knowing this he stood up and began stretching... partly to avoid injury in his crazy dash, partly to relieve stress. It was at these times that he liked to think of the potential of a crude sextant. "Hey" he thought to himself, "there is a straighter stick than the last one I found.... I think straight is important in celestial navigation" and then he realized that he was actually looking at the stick, not fumbling with it. It was at that awkward moment that he realized that there was a light visible through the woods... not a corner grocery light... brighter than that. Maybe even a Racetrack gas station! He was at a full sprint before he had even finished that conclusion. He was tired.. very tired... but he ran faster than at any point during his crazed sprints. "Hope is a funny thing" he noted. Joy lead to confusion lead to awestruck wonder the closer he got to the light. He realized that the light was not anywhere near civilization. The light was coming from a clearing. As he got closer he realized it was coming from a structure.... but not one he had ever seen before. He realized also that there were people around the structure. He went closer... though no longer sprinting. The ship was in a clearing probably fifty yards in diamete. It was just as disk shaped and bulbous in the center as all the old movies depicted. The people wandering around it were not what he had expected, though. They looked vaguely out of shape... but certainly human....ish. But what were they d.... ..... Dancin' Dude opened his eyes. The room he was in was hazy. The initial pannic he had that he was blind quickly subsided when he realized his eye wells had been filled with some sort of gelatin as he had laid unconscious. After clearing the goop he determined that he could see just fine. He looked around the room. It was what he could have expected... steel, possibly aluminum walls, what appeared to be a sink, a table with his clothes on it, a featureless door and.... "Goddamit I am naked!" he finally realized. He sat up to dart for his clothes before he fealt a tug at his wang. It was at that point that he realized that he had some bizarre contraption stuck to his dong. Now, being the bright guy that he was, Dancin' Dude resisted the immediate urge to tear it off. That isn't to say that he wasn't thinking "AHH MY FUCKING COCK!"... but that unbridled thought was still caged in his head at the moment.. or at least temporarily... or "AHHH!". He made a fast grab for the metal tube when he lost control of his body and fell back on the table. At that moment the door opened... In suffled two of the people he had seen plodding around the ship before he blacked out. They poked and prodded him while talking to one another. "LOLZ!!" said one "DERP!" replied the second. "What the hell are you doinging to me!" He screamed. They prodded his side... that hurt. He could see a red circle on his side in the overhead reflection... he assumed that must have been where they hit him with... whatever they hit him with in the forrest. "Derpdee Durp" said one "OMGROFL!!" said the other. At this point he realized that they had removed the metal tube from his schlong. That was good... but also now he was truely naked. "GAYBOATS!!" said one "Durp" said the other. The two ... aliens?.. he didn't know... but now they were straining to turn him over. This got Dancin' Dudes mind racing. "Wait!!! ..... wait.... hold on...." The two stopped and looked at him. "If you just let me move I can help you.... do you... speak english!" he said pleadingly. "Yes. You are hearing me" said one "Durp" said the other. "Ok," said Dancin' Dude "just let me move and I will help you". He couldn't help but think he had been kidnapped by the lamest retard aliens ever. "Why are you doing this?" Dancin' Dude asked. "Durp" said one "We wish to be popular" said the other. "I'll help with that.. I will take you to college....?" Said Dancin' Dude "Whoa... William and Mary won't do" said one "Durpdee durp LOL!" said the other. "Ok, ok... let me out and I will-" He felt his body come back to life. In an instant he was at his clothes and reaching for what he hoped was there. "You stupid fuckers" he thought as he found the sticks in his back pocket. And quicker than his opponents could imagine... which isn't saying much... Dancin' Dude was on them. "I am awesome at PVP!!" one warned "Durp" the other cried. The stick was in the first one's eye before the last "P", the second one passed out before the "awesome". With that Dancin' Dude was in the hall running is a tight circle where ever it lead. Finally the hall ended at another featurless door. But this door opened as he approached. The fould stench of stale marijuana smoke and old spilt beer punched Dancin' Dude in the nose as he entered what he could only assume was the bridge. He had no time to deduce which seat was the command chair... there were five to choose from and he was only partly sure of one alien that was actually incapacitated. Did that mean that four were still around... one for sure. He picked the middle chair as the best choice for the command chair. He was suprised at the simplicity of the controls. On half of the armrest was a joystick and a thruster... the other arm had what, for the life of him, appeared to be an Instant Messenger program. Even more suprising was that the ship was already in the air. Dancin' Dude fiddled with the controls and quickly realized that they worked as expected after making the proper Y Axis preference adjustments. And off he went. Well, sort of. The shipped moved a good hundred yards before it came to an abrupt hault. It was far enough for him to finally see the lights of the god forsaken town he had been tryin to find... minutes? hours? years? ago... who could tell? Goddam Einstein and his Goddam relativity. The town was less than a mile away.... At that moment he heard the instant messenger chime. Dancin' Dude looked at the readout. The message read "Why do you hate my kind?" against his better judgement he typed "Because you do things that make me angry." "Have fun being Republican! LOLZ!" was the response. Dancin' dude closed the session. Immediately another responded "You are just blind man! can't yo"*CLOSED!!* "I think I am awesome and then I think ROFL"*CLOSED!!!* "Enne bodde lub me how"*CLOSED!!!" Finally he closed the program in disgust. At that point the ship whirred back to life. Again he grabbed the joystick and began to fly. Then the ship began to sputter and lose altitude. At that point piloting the ship was like flying a washtub.... well, a washtub with wings... that were way too small. The messenger program popped up again. "HA!! LOLZ OMG!!! 1337 haxxor!"*closed!!!* It was only a matter of time, he figured, before he lost full control and the ship began to rise to the waiting clutches of the retarded aliens, or he crashed into the woods somewhere... so with the last bit of control he had left he grabbed the joystick and pushed the ship at the only target that he could think of that was doable and made sense... "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CORNER GROCERIE!!!" KAAAAABLAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!! The End. |